Sunday, January 2, 2011

midnight missive

Hi, friends. I hope you're well, wherever you are... I can't sleep. I apologize for the lack of posts since Christmas. The truth is, I've been feeling somewhat less festive than usual. Most years, the New Year's Eve/Day duo is my favorite holiday. I'm a sucker for the promise of new beginnings that the new years holds, and I'm a passionate resolution writer. This year has been different, though. Christmas was fine... we missed our families quite a lot, but since Ross and I are also our own small family it was all right. But New Year's--the holiday that is perhaps most dedicated to friends--was extremely lonely.

In the beginning of 2010, Ross and I were surrounded by an embarrassment of truly wonderful friends and family. Never in my life have I felt so blessed by the people around me. What's more, we had the world at our feet: we were waiting to hear back from grad school, Ross was satisfied with his job (and I, of course, can't ever fully describe how much I loved mine), and we lived in Shangrila (if Shangrila has no parking, which I suspect it doesn't). 2010 stretched out before us, full of mystery and opportunity and the promise of a good time had by all. 2011 seems a little less sparkly in comparison. A little predetermined. A little lonely. It's not that I'm not looking forward to my classes, to Ross' continued increase in job satisfaction, or to the as-yet-unforeseen surprises of the New Year. I am. It's just... it's just (this was all much more eloquent in my head, before I sat down to write)... it's just that I miss you, I guess. We miss you. Zeta Chi and Annette and Christian and Donilee and Jessi and the aunts and the vast Dewey clan and Tanna and Ben and everyone else in Portland whom we love. My Dad and family in Northern California, Mom and Mark in Silverton, the Southern California contingent, and everyone in Utah. Washougal. Chicago.

I'm not good at saying good-byes. So many people have come and gone (and often painfully) in my life that I tend to steel myself against farewells, not truly feeling them sometimes for days or weeks or months. But eventually, inevitably, the brutal realization of how much I miss you (all of you) penetrates my defenses. And it hurts like hell. So (to try to put a positive spin on this Debbie Downer of a post), my New Year's message to you is this: know that you are missed, know that you are loved, and that my wish for the New Year is that is has you in it.


  1. You wonderful, wonderful girl, keep your chin up! You're too awesome to be lonely. I'll see you soon, I promise. (And don't forget that if you really need a friend, Truax is in Fairfax now.) =) LOVE YOUR FACE, and everything attached to it.

  2. I just wrote you an epistle... and it's gone!! I'll never be able to say it quite as eloquently as it first came out, but I'll give it a shot.

    We miss you too. This chapter of your life is only temporary, you'll be back before you know it. And be grateful for modern technology. With facebook, blogs, ease of making long distance calls, and texting it's like we aren't even apart. In our first 10 years of marriage we moved 11 times. When we went to Tennessee we had to use actual pen and paper and MAIL to communicate with family and only used phone calls on Sunday evenings. When we moved to San Francisco we finally had email, but it wasn't the same as being able to communicate almost instantly at any time like you can now. Take advantage of that ability to stay and feel connected. Besides, I'm willing to bet that when the time comes to leave DC you'll be sad to leave the new friends you will grow to love there... get involved and make those friends. They will make this time awesome and memorable. Call me anytime you need some oldest cousin advice! I've been where you are and have lots of great advice =) I'm willing to bet that 2011 will be a great year for you!

    I'll close with a couple favorite quotes... you've probably heard them:

    Life is what you make it... always has been, always will be.

    Come what may and love it.

    Love you... hang in there!!

  3. 2011 IS a little scary to contemplate, but so are all true adventures! It was lonely when we first moved to Washougal almost 12 years ago...and now leaving it will be so sad! We miss you both...especially on Sundays. Love, love, love, AK

  4. the hardest part about a transient life is all the wonderful people you meet along the way. i miss portland people constantly and i've started to block out yale memories because it just sucked too much to know that i was never going to get that back. i feel ya, miss haylie...